Updated: Apr 19, 2020
I was furiously packing.
while ducking low under the looming shadow of the latest deadline.
I had promised my family that I would be all ready by dinner to leave for my 9 day trip without them. My entire life is a mess since I did all the things this month, all
amazing and good things
but still. Excess is excess and my house had somehow modeled itself after the October page in my planner. Overflowing is the word that comes to mind. Not really the best circumstance to hurriedly prepare for a 9 day trip. As I moved on my knees in the mountain range I call my dressing room, I was talking to God about what I could have done differently to avoid all of the literal and figurative mess. As the convo played out I felt worse and worse. It sounded something like an exchange I had with my 15 year old about some school issues this week.
“This situation stinks. What could I have done differently to make this better?” “Well, start earlier on all the projects and events next time. Less procrastination and more proactive mindful list making, then breaking the list into tasks that can begin months ahead.” “But a lot of these things were creative things and Lord, you know creativity doesn’t work that way.”.
”No, but there were plenty of tasks that could have been done last month or even the…” I felt shame-full and in trouble.
Like I had failed again at the adulting job.
That’s when I called it out for what it was.
I hadn’t been having a conversation with God at all.
Sure, I was talking to Him, but someone else was answering. Someone I was choosing to hear over the sweet words of love that God has for me. Who was answering, wasn’t nearly as important as the realization that it wasn’t God speaking those harsh truths over me. I imagine God would have said something more like,
“It’s done now. You can only move forward, my Lovely. What can you do from here, from this point? Are there things you can eliminate? Can you move anything to morning? How can we fix it? I’m right here with you and I love you so much.”
I don’t think He meant that I should make a sincere declaration that my procrastinating is over from here until glory! Although, I know He would support my efforts. Only that no matter what, the past is gone and a fresh perspective was called for. So, I continued my job with much more joy. With a measure of peace that packing for this trip is not the end of the world, that I would get done what I could and trust that I didn’t need the rest. I shifted some things to morning and just kept swimming, free of shame and condemnation. I even found my uniform tee that I needed to wear on Sunday. (I was fingernails away from calling Amy with an SOS, but God!) Once I settled down I looked again, for like, the 20th time. It was hanging in the bottom row center and it tickled me to no end to yank it off the hanger and celebrated my God-fortune. I know that God can change anything, and that He is only for me, but last night I realized again, that the most important thing He can change, is my mind.